Becoming a Woman
There have been a few occassions where I have said to myself "You are now a woman"...The first time I came onto this revelation, I was twelve years old. Suddenly I was experiencing what most women experience once a month... Hell and Torture. I remember as a young girl, becoming very ill during this time. Cramps, swelling, bloating, you get the picture. But after a while, and my body adjusted to it's new state, these things did not bother me as much.
Then there was the morning that I woke up and couldn't see my feet. My chest had miraculously grown from PG to NC-17 overnight. Again, I was still a child but I was starting to look like a woman and my first thought was "well what the hell do I do with these?" Puberty was just awkward - at least it was awkward on the inside for me.
By the time I got used to my body, in some capacity, I crossed another bridge in my life. I had fallen in love for the first time and after some months of dating I decided it was time..and that thing called 'virginity' was a thing of the past. At that moment I thought, "Now I am woman", even though I denied that I had given up my virginity for a couple of months that followed. I called it a "technical virginity" - because technically it was still there? I have no idea, I was 17, what did I know then.
I have crossed many bridges in my life, and as each year passes I feel as though I am wiser than I was the previous year. I haven't felt the need to exclaim "I am a woman now" for a few years. As a full fledged adult, working full time, doing my thing, owning my own things, I haven't felt that urge to make it apparent that I am woman, I know I am. But recently, I have been contemplating uprooting my life, to some where new and exotic; a new phase of my life if you will, a fresh start. I am thrilled to embark on this new journey, but at the same time, scared to death that I will miss the things that I have held near and dear to me. Things that have become second nature to me.
I feel that I have made so many strides in my life to get to where I am, to be the woman I have become and now, when I am presented with this opportunity, the little girl in me shows her face. I know I need to just bite the bullet and do it. Life is about taking risks and if things don't work out, it doesn't mean I'm stuck there forever.
So here's to becoming a woman. on her own.
Comments
Funny, about when you became a woman. For me it was about when I felt like I became an adult. And it was when I paid bills monthly and bought my own toilet paper, tooth paste, cleansers and feminine products for my home with my money. The things we make as milestone markers :))
Great post. GOOOOOOOOOD LUCK. Write about the life you plan and drop me a note to read if you will. :)
What makes it so difficult to become a woman, or even the woman you liked to be, are the uncountable expectations we are faced with: getting a good job, being the perfect wife and the most passionate lover, having children and caring ambitiously for them, showing social engagement, ... The list is to be continued!
It was necessary for me to free myself from all these ideals to find my own one. When I meet a woman that has a special attraction and seems to be happy with herself, I´d normaly discribe her as free and being totally in touch with herself.
Becoming a woman is an exciting journey, and, what I like best of it:
You can always take with you the little girl you were!
Thank you Beanie! What you say is so true - The first time you have to buy your own little comforts (toilet paper! :) ) something inside clicks like, "I'm the only one who can rely on myself." We all have someone we can depend on but ultimately, at the end of the day, the only person we face in the mirror is ourself.
I hope that you do get the opportunity to embark on your adventure with your family, even if it is not their dream, it's something you can share for some time together and if it doesn't work out, you can always come back 'home', but you'll always be able to say, we tried it, and we did it as a family.
It means so much to me to be able to find common ground with so many people. It really proves that we are not alone. Especially during those less than favorable moments when we think we are all alone. Those moments are temporary.
"What makes it so difficult to become a woman, or even the woman you liked to be, are the uncountable expectations we are faced with:"
Nothing could be more true than what you said with that statement. I'm not sure where the pressure comes from or who puts that pressure on us - Is it society? Is it other women (our mothers?), or is it ourselves? It is beautiful and inspring to hear of other women making their own paths. Thank you so much for your kind and wise words.